PRUNE
Posted: June 17, 2011 | Author: DJ MONSTER JAM | Filed under: BRUNCH, EAST VILLAGE, FANCY ORGANIC SHIT, THE MONSTER JAM REPORT | Leave a comment »
I usually don’t give A RAT’S SQUIRRLEY FUCKING ASS about some DUMBASS brunch! And, why, why you ask? WELL SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR A SECOND AND I’LL TELL YOU —- DAMN! (8=====D~~~~)!!!! It’s RED AND MOTHERFUCKING YELLOW on repeat!! Cus those are the only COLORS on a brunch plate!! It’s some FUCKING BORING over priced eggs drenched in red sauce (WHO GIVES A SHIIIIIT????) *PUKE* BLEHHHHHHH!!!!! But, guess what?! There’s a brunch out there that proved MY SAD STUPID LITTLE ASS WRONG and it’s the MAD DECE brunch at Prune.
Seriously, I would suck some REBUPLICAN DONKEY DICK for this brunch it rules THAT FUCKING HARD. First of all, don’t even get me started on the Bloody Mary’s. Usually, I can take or leave these BORING ASS SHITS, but JESUS ON A FUCKING POGO STICK they’re FUCKIN WAILIN ON DAT AZZZZ!!!!! The Matchbox is my fave, with a SICK ARRANGEMENT of pickled vegetables that makes me feel like 007 ON A COKE BINGE, and it comes with a shot of BOB MARLEY’S GLASS BONG OF CHOICE RED STRIPE. If that wasn’t enough, the food is OFF THE MOTHERFUCKING CHARTS. The Spaghetti A La Carbonara rips a hole in Bitali’s ass, with just the right amount of cream sauce and bacon. The Eggs “En Cocotte”, or as I like to call it THE BEST FRIGGIN’ ‘WHO CAME UP WITH THIS FUCKING MEAL?’ OF ALL TIME should be put in a baby’s bottle ‘cus I WILL SLURP THAT SHIT UP (Daaaaaaamn!). If you’re feeling like you want the meal equal to NUT HUGGER JEANS, HOUSE MUSIC, AND STUPID QUESTIONS get the Youth Hostel Breakfast-it doesn’t suck. Another jam is the stewed chikpeas, it gives some sweaty Moroccan eggs a run for its money. Word on the street is, a certain Brooklyn based actress BLEW UP THE DAMN BATHROOM THIS PLACE IS SO SICK. Not naming names, but it rhymes with SAGGY STICK ‘N BALLZ.
Spaghetti A La Carbonara – MONSTER JAM
Youth Hostel Breakfast – Jam
Egg “En Cocotte” – MONSTER JAM
Spicy Stewed Chickpeas – Jam
Fresh Ricotta – Jam
Box Car Blood Mary – MONSTER JAM
Jam To Crap Score: 9/12 – *75.0%*
*CERTIFIED CRAP FREE*
54 E 1st St
New York, NY 10003
Review by: D. SCOTT SPINNEY
X’IAN FAMOUS FOODS
Posted: May 31, 2011 | Author: DJ MONSTER JAM | Filed under: CHINESE FOOD, EAST VILLAGE, THE MONSTER JAM REPORT | Leave a comment »
Ever since Tony ‘I DON’T NEED NO FUCKIN RESERVATIONS BOOZE FUNK SMELLING DIVORCED BUM’ Bourdain went to this hole in the ASS Chinese noodle joint in Flushing and blew a LOAD on this place, Xi’An Famous Foods has been spreading its seed like a HORNY TEENAGER. Every five seconds one of these SHITS pops up! AND WHY?! CUS IT’S FUCKING GOOD AS BALLS THAT’S WHY!
The noodles are SICK and they HAND PULL THEM SHITZ! If you want to set your bland cubicle on FUCKING FIRE, then set it off with some spicy lamb cumin noodles– THEY RULE HARD! The spicy and tingly beef is just as much of a RING STINGING FIRE BREATHER, but the tingle will make you go HMMMMM in the best possible way. The ‘burgers’ are a FIERCE, OH NO SHE DINNIT LOVECHILD of an arepa and a pulled pork sandwich (HIGH ASS MARKS FOR THE LAMB). THE STEWED OXTAIL is a FAT JOINT while the spicy and tingly lamb face salad FUCKING LAMB FACED MY SALAD. I wasn’t as into the cold skin noodles cus’ I keeps it hot in my house, but HANNIBAL GODDAMN LECTER said he had that shit with a nice Chianti and was lovin’ it. Not a true CRAPPNESS in sight.
Spicy Lamb Burger: MONSTER JAM
Stewed Pork Burger: Jam
Lamb Hand Ripped Noodles: Jam
Spicy and Tingly Beef Noodles: Jam
Oxtail Soup: MONSTER JAM
Lamb Face Salad: Jam
Cold Skin Noodles: Jam
Jam To Crap Score: 9/14 – *64.3%*
*CERTIFIED CRAP FREE*
81 St. Marks Pl
New York, NY 10003
Review by: D. SCOTT SPINNEY
WHITMAN’S
Posted: May 24, 2011 | Author: DJ MONSTER JAM | Filed under: BURGERS, EAST VILLAGE | 1 Comment »
LISTEN UP, I don’t live in BUMFUCK DUMBASS LET’S GO BURN A KORAN USA, I live in goddamn NEW YORK CITY. That means that the LAST thing I want after a long day at my BULLSHIT job is a HORSE DICK sized EXPENSIVE MOTHERFUCKER of a burger that’s gonna ASS RAPE my paycheck and is so RETARDED big that I can’t even wrap my whole mouth around the stupid ass thing– FUCK THAT NOISE! Who’s FUCKING ASS do I have to kick to get a CULINARY MASTERPIECE of a BURGER?! I guess WHITMAN’S is up for the challenge! BRING IT!
SHIT, don’t even get me started on the Juicy Lucy, it’s their SIGNATURE MOTHERFUCKER, and by signature, I mean I got my ASS TOSSED on the sidewalk by it. It’s like these people hired CHEECH AND CHONG to take a short rib sandwich and get all PREGNANT LADY STYLE on its AZZ with some pimento cheese and spicy pickles! (WHAT THE FUCK??!) And speaking of stoned pregnant ladies—THERE’S A BURGER WITH PEANUT BUTTER AND BACON!! ARE YOU FUCKING DEAF?! DO I NEED TO KEEP GOING??
I guess if you feel like PUSSY FOOTING on some non-burger action (then why the fuck did you come here??) then try the Succotash Made Rite. BUT, RED ALERT: the chicken on greens is some menu filler BULLSHIT and they need to take it off the rotation cuz I AIN’T EVEN TRYIN’ TO HEAR THAT CRAP. It’s the LONE SHITTER in the room.
Juicy Lucy: MONSTER JAM
PB and B Burger: MONSTER JAM
Upstate Burger: Jam
Revis: Jam
Succotash Made Rite: Jam
Chicken on Greens: Crap!
Cracked Kale: Jam
Jam To Crap Score: 8/14 – *57.1%*
406 E 9th St
New York, NY 10009
(212) 228-8011
Review by: D. SCOTT SPINNEY
NORTHERN SPY FOOD CO.
Posted: May 24, 2011 | Author: DJ MONSTER JAM | Filed under: EAST VILLAGE, FANCY ORGANIC SHIT, THE MONSTER JAM REPORT | Leave a comment »
BIG FUCKIN DEAL, I like some farm-to-table organic goodness in my face, SO FUCKING SUE ME WHY DON’T YA?! NORTHERN SPY sounds like it might be some whack ass Russian themed tapas bar where they serve drinks called the Kremlin Cream Float, but it’s TOTALLY NOT!! It’s a MAD DECE spot in the east village where you feel like you’re eating at Mama’s table if Mama was a NPR correspondent and a TREE HUMPING DENDROPHILIAC (for all you educated shitheads out there).
The Kale Salad is a STEALTH BOMB OF A MOTHERFUCKER with a SICK ASS cheese-to-green ratio to make you not feel like a JACKASS for loving the fuck out of a salad. Don’t even get me started on their Risotto (SHIIIIIIIIIT!!) It’s the organic pasta equal to a R. Kelly CRUNCH MUNCH REMIX FREAKKY FREAK UNDERAGE SEX JAM. I’m not so sure what’s so local about the squid & mussel ragout, except when I’m LAPPING THAT SHIT IN MY MOUTH like a dog on a hot day (DAMN – BET YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMIN!!) They take fancy meat n’ taters to the next level too, so you know the Roasted Chicken and Pork dish WILL RULE YOUR FACE WITH AN IRON SKILLET! I haven’t had a SHITTER here yet.
Kale Salad – MONSTER JAM
Freekeh Risotto – MONSTER JAM
Squid & Mussel Ragout – Jam
Hudson Valley Pork – MONSTER JAM
Roasted Chicken For Two – MONSTER JAM
Jam To Crap Score: 9/10 – *90.0%*
*CERTIFIED CRAP FREE*
511 E 12th St
New York, NY 10009
(212) 228-510
Review by: D. SCOTT SPINNEY
CARACAS AREPA BAR
Posted: May 23, 2011 | Author: DJ MONSTER JAM | Filed under: EAST VILLAGE, THE MONSTER JAM REPORT | Leave a comment »
Prepare to get BITCH SLAPPED BY SOME HOT CORN when you go to Caracas! The GODDAMN NEW YORK TIMES claims Venezuela’s economy is dominated by the oil industry. Well guess what?! My ASS GOT DOMINATED by these tasty hot pockets drenched and fried in oil. I had a fucking Bolivarian Revolution all up in my face when I DOUBLE FISTED the Los Muchachos AND the La Del Gato!! Any of the meat filled arepas RULE HARD, but for your pansy ass, Rusted Root listening hippie friend visiting you from the place where 30 year olds go to die, aka SAN FUCKSCUCKO, take them here and tell them to put some SICK ASS guayanés cheese, fried sweet plantains and avocado slices in their pieholes and shut the FUCKKKKKK UP!
On every table a condiment the color of GARFIELD’S FAT ASS can MAKE IT RAIN ON THOSE AREPAS!! A MOTHERFUCKER of a beer cocktail called the Michelada is like five rowdy spring breaks in your mouth, and if your dumb ass forgot to have a V8, might as well get the chips and guacamole, seeing as they come out with a basket of about 5 different kinds of chips!! ARE YOU FUCKING CRAPPING ME WITH THOSE CHIPS?! The only stinker I’ve had were the Yoyos, which tasted like a homeless crap outside of the Dunkin Doughnuts after some binge drinking.
Los Muchachos – MONSTER JAM
La Del Gato – MONSTER JAM
La Sureña- MONSTER JAM
La Silvestre (salad) – Jam
Yoyos – Crap!
Michelada – MOTHERFUCKER
Guasacaca & Chips – MONSTER JAM
Jam To Crap Score: 11/14 – *78.6%*
93 1/2 E 7th St.
New York, NY 10009
(718) 218-6050
www.caracasarepabar.com
Review by: D. SCOTT SPINNEY
MOMOFUKU NOODLE BAR
Posted: May 17, 2011 | Author: DJ MONSTER JAM | Filed under: CHINESE FOOD, DUMPLINGS, EAST VILLAGE, THE MONSTER JAM REPORT | Leave a comment »
The pork buns at this place are a BUNCH OF FUCKIN’ BULLSHIT! Whoever says that they’re AWESOME must be out of their SKULL. Here’s what they are: two doughy, RAW-ASS little cake patties with a nasty chunk of pork fat in the middle, some sliced onions, and some sauce that tastes like that plum sauce shit that the little “FOUR CHICKEN WING FRIED HARD” places with the bulletproof glass give you in your bag – WOOPTIEFUCKIN DOO!
The regular ramen was a JAM, but isn’t ramen the shit that you buy at the store when you’re BROKE OFF YOUR ASS cuz you can get 500 KAJILLION of them for a FUCKIN’ DOLLAR FIFTY! (AWWWWW WHAT WHAT! BOOYA!!)
I also had the brisket ramen and I have to admit that that shit was FUCKIN SICK YO! It tasted like they tossed a corned beef sandwich into my soup and just let that shit SIMMER! (OH HELL NAW!)
Pork Bun – Crap!
Momofuku Ramen – Jam
Brisket Ramen – MONSTER JAM
Roasted Brussel Sprouts – MONSTER JAM
Roasted Potatoes – Jam
Ice Cream – Jam
Jam To Crap Score: 7/12 – *58.3%*
171 1st Ave
New York, NY 10003
(212) 777-7773
Review by: DJ MONSTER JAM
