M SHANGHAI
Posted: May 19, 2011 | Author: DJ MONSTER JAM | Filed under: CHINESE FOOD, THE MONSTER JAM REPORT, WILLIAMSBURG | 1 Comment »
Sitting in the heart of FUCK CITY, aka Williamsburg, is some actual TASTY ASS CHINESE FOOD! (Say what?!?!?) That man is never gonna leave his wife, am I right ladies?! Well, you might as well put some SICK ASS Chinese food, in your GRILLZ and GET YOURS!
To start with, just bend my ass over PRISON STYLE with these FUCKING dumplings. REGULAR ASS steamed or fried dumplings are the SHIT. Go with the steamed seafood joints that come with the vinegar sauce they BUST OUT on the table. But if you really want to get all sexual in my throat, TRY THE SPICY WONTONS!! They come with a peanut sauce you will want to ladle all over yourself and run through the streets screaming FUCK MY LIFE!@!!~
LEO’S DO NOT BE CRAPPIN’ ME-O Mu-Shu hot plate of Chinese fajitas is a STRAIGHT OUT THE BOX MOTHERFUCKER. The plum sauce that comes with it should be cut up into lines and snorted on a mirror in Bret Easton Ellis’s living room, it’s that freaking addictive. Follow that up with the BEST FUCKIN LO MEIN I’VE EVER HAD, (DON’T FUCKIN CRAP’ ME AROUND!! ) and your fat ass will be fartin’ out rainbows all the way out of FUCK CITY.
Steamed Vegetable Dumplings: Jam
Steamed Seafood Dumplings: MONSTER JAM
Steamed Pork Buns: Jam
Spicy Wontons: MONSTER JAM
Shanghai Lo Mein: MONSTER JAM
Homemade Beef Stew: Jam
Mu-Shu: MOTHERFUCKER
Regular Lo Mein: MONSTER JAM
Mixed Vegetables: Jam
Jam To Crap Score: 14/18 – *77.7%*
*CERTIFIED CRAP FREE*
292 Grand St
Brooklyn, NY 11211
Review by: D. SCOTT SPINNEY
CONGEE VILLAGE
Posted: May 19, 2011 | Author: DJ MONSTER JAM | Filed under: CHINESE FOOD, DUMPLINGS, THE MONSTER JAM REPORT | Leave a comment »
Are you FUCKING WITH ME, Congee Village? Do you NOT expect me to SEIZE UP LIKE A THIRD-STRING QB when the waiter shows up? JUST SHOVE EVERYTHING IN MY FACE!!!!!! You want me to eat the salt and pepper squid??? HELL TO FUCKING YES I WILL!!!!!! What, a congee with roast duck and meatballs?? YES, BRING IT THE FUCK TO THE TABLE!!! And sure I’ll take SOME CHEAP-ASS BEER with that MOUNTAIN OF INSANE FOOD.
Turtle soup? That sounds kind of weird. No thank you.
HOLY FUCK JUICY BUNS. Don’t try to be cool about it – they WILL get all over your shirt but THEY KILL IT NONSTOP. The sizzling short rib plate NAILS IT and this place is full of ACTUAL ASIAN PEOPLE so you know no BULLSHIT is gonna get tolerated, so order a CRAZY AMOUNT OF FOOD and EAT IT EAT IT EAT IT and then pay like almost nothing for it.
Salt and Pepper Squid: MONSTER JAM
Beef Short Rib Sizzling Plate: MONSTER JAM
Scallion Pancake: Jam
Juicy Buns: MONSTER JAM
Cheap-Ass Beer: Jam
Congee with Roast Duck and Meatballs: MONSTER JAM
Congee with Sliced Beef and Fish: Jam
Chinese Vegetables: Jam
House Special Chicken – MONSTER JAM
Snow Pea Shoots: Jam
Jam to Crap Score: 15/20 – 75.0%
*CERTIFIED CRAP FREE*
100 Allen St
New York, NY 10002
(212) 941-1818
Review by: DJ ABYSMAL SANDWICH
MOMOFUKU NOODLE BAR
Posted: May 17, 2011 | Author: DJ MONSTER JAM | Filed under: CHINESE FOOD, DUMPLINGS, EAST VILLAGE, THE MONSTER JAM REPORT | Leave a comment »
The pork buns at this place are a BUNCH OF FUCKIN’ BULLSHIT! Whoever says that they’re AWESOME must be out of their SKULL. Here’s what they are: two doughy, RAW-ASS little cake patties with a nasty chunk of pork fat in the middle, some sliced onions, and some sauce that tastes like that plum sauce shit that the little “FOUR CHICKEN WING FRIED HARD” places with the bulletproof glass give you in your bag – WOOPTIEFUCKIN DOO!
The regular ramen was a JAM, but isn’t ramen the shit that you buy at the store when you’re BROKE OFF YOUR ASS cuz you can get 500 KAJILLION of them for a FUCKIN’ DOLLAR FIFTY! (AWWWWW WHAT WHAT! BOOYA!!)
I also had the brisket ramen and I have to admit that that shit was FUCKIN SICK YO! It tasted like they tossed a corned beef sandwich into my soup and just let that shit SIMMER! (OH HELL NAW!)
Pork Bun – Crap!
Momofuku Ramen – Jam
Brisket Ramen – MONSTER JAM
Roasted Brussel Sprouts – MONSTER JAM
Roasted Potatoes – Jam
Ice Cream – Jam
Jam To Crap Score: 7/12 – *58.3%*
171 1st Ave
New York, NY 10003
(212) 777-7773
Review by: DJ MONSTER JAM
SUNSET CAFE
Posted: May 17, 2011 | Author: DJ MONSTER JAM | Filed under: DINERS, GREENPOINT, THE MONSTER JAM REPORT | Leave a comment »
Sunset Cafe’s menu is a CLUSTERFUCK list of ways to FUCK YOUR HANGOVER UP!!! They put roast beef in a quesadilla, that’s how little they give a FUCK. You might as well just give up cause this place IS TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE as soon as you step in the door.
The reuben sandwich is an OPEN FACED MONSTER JAM BEAST. They put it down in front of you like WHAT, MOTHERFUCKER?? WHAT?? The sauerkraut and the bread stay crispy. which is how you know you’re dealing with a diner that knows its SHIT. And they don’t fuck around with the bacon – they give you an ASSLOAD of it on the side of pretty much everything. I’m gonna be real with you here: this is a GREASY ASS Brooklyn diner, so there are some REAL FUCKIN CRAPPERS on the menu, like the feta and spinach omelette, which is a watery SHIT FEST – *GAG!!!* Basically if it comes on a sandwich though, it WILL NOT BE DENIED.
Reuben Sandwich: MONSTER JAM
Cheeseburger: Jam
Breakfast Sandwich: MONSTER JAM
Feta and Spinach Omelette: Crap!
Tuna Melt: MONSTER JAM
Belgian Waffle: Jam
Coffee: Jam
French Onion Soup: MONSTER JAM
French Fries: Jam
Jam to Crap Score: 12/18 – *66.6%*
593 Meeker Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11222
(718)-349-2777
Review by: DJ ABYSMAL SANDWICH
VINNIE’S PIZZA
Posted: May 17, 2011 | Author: DJ MONSTER JAM | Filed under: PIZZA, THE MONSTER JAM REPORT, WILLIAMSBURG | 1 Comment »
The dudes working at this place are SO FUCKIN NICE you’d never suspect how hard they are REEMING OUT THE ASS of every other pizza joint in the neighborhood. Other contenders should just go FUCK THEMSELVES AND DIE – IT’s DUNZO! There’s a location on Bedford, but the one in Greenpoint is way less crowded and has got the north side LOCKED THE FUCK DOWN.
Some of the slices here sound like BULLSHIT at first, but that’s what’s so genius about this place. The WHACKER they sound, the FUCKING DOPER they are! *OH SNAP!* The Black Bean Avocado slice looks like a sad pre-schooler’s fingerpainting but it KICKS ASS EVERY TIME.
And they’ll make you a slice of ANYTHING YOU FUCKIN WANT, BUDDY! So you want to be a REAL ASSHOLE and order the world’s most complicated specialty slice with about 20 extra ingredients on it??!?!?! No FUCKING PROBLEM, BUDDY – SIT THE FUCK DOWN so they can make it for you. The one really SHITTY thing about this place is that it’s located in BUTTFUCK, IDAHO. so you’ve got a LONG ASS WALK to think about the serious shit you just stuffed in your mouth.
Cheese Slice: MONSTER JAM
Pepperoni Slice: MONSTER JAM
Vinnie’s GREAT Grandma: Jam
Black Bean Avocado Slice: MONSTER JAM
Farmer’s Daughter: Jam
Meat the Parents: MONSTER JAM
Pepperoni Roll: Jam
Jam to Crap Score: 11/14 -* 78.5%*
*CERTIFIED CRAP FREE*
253 Nassau Ave.
Brooklyn, NY 11222
718-389-2600
Review by: DJ ABYSMAL SANDWICH
BLUE STOVE
Posted: May 11, 2011 | Author: DJ MONSTER JAM | Filed under: DESSERT, THE MONSTER JAM REPORT, WILLIAMSBURG | Leave a comment »
HOLY FUCKING CHRIST, where the FUCK do I even start with this place? I brought my friend here one night after dinner and she literally started screaming “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!” after putting one bite of the key lime pie in her mouth. She didn’t know what the hell was happening. I can tell you what happened – she got SKULL FUCKED by this pie! *KABOOM!!* I’m seriously not bullshitting you here. This pie was SO FUCKED UP GOOD that my friend had to take a minute to get her shit together after she ate it.
This place fucking SHREDS ASS and just SLAYS IT all over the place with ALL their pies. If you need to gain a FUCK TON of weight (for a movie? how am I supposed to know? who cares!) in a really short amount of time you should just go here and Peter Pan and call it a day with a tub of ice cream and some Roseanne reruns on NETFLIX – HELL TO THE YEAH, MOTHERFUCKERZ!..
Key Lime Pie – MONSTER JAM
Apple Pie – MONSTER JAM
Vegetable Pot Pie – Jam
Chicken Pot Pie – Jam
Coconut Creme Pie – MONSTER JAM
Pumpkin Whoopie Pie – MONSTER JAM
Red Velvet Cupcake – Jam
Banana Creme Pie – MONSTER JAM
Chocolate Pie – Jam
Apple, Bacon, Cheddar Pie – MONSTER JAM
Pear, Ginger Pie – Jam
Jam To Crap Score: 17/22 – *77.3%*
*CERTIFIED CRAP FREE*
415 Graham Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 766-7419
METRO DELI & GRILL
Posted: May 10, 2011 | Author: DJ MONSTER JAM | Filed under: DELI, THE MONSTER JAM REPORT | Leave a comment »
I hit this place AT LEAST once a day, mostly because I live right next door, as in I literally share a wall with these people. My friend PP calls this place “MUNCHIE PARADISE” since this is where you end up when you die and go to stoner heaven (in case you were wondering).
Their bacon, egg, and cheeses are a clear Monster Jam – two perfectly fried eggs and just the right amount of bacon all neatly layered on a fresh toasted roll with a light sprinkling of salt & pepper. Also, these guys actually listen to what you ask them to put on your sandwich *GASP*. They don’t do stupid, imbecilic things like SOILING the entire roll with KETCHUP (*GAG*), unlike the surly retard that works at Hana Food down the street.
Anyways, the clear rock star at this place is the spiky haired guy. I don’t know his name (we just refer to each other as “boss” – “Hey boss, good morning. Hey boss, how are you? Can I get a bacon, egg, and cheese?” ) He is the Gordon Ramsey of bodega sandwich makers. The other guys are good too, but if spiky is working you should definitely get him to make your sandwich. He KILLS IT! I think he usually works in the mornings and in the early afternoons.
Personal favorite lunchtime MONSTER JAM: boar’s head “salsalito” turkey, provolone, lettuce, and mayo on a hero with salt & pepper – No tomatoes! (it makes the bread soggy).
Bacon, Egg, and Cheese Sandwich – MONSTER JAM
Boar’s Head ‘Salsalito’ Turkey Sandwich – MONSTER JAM
Family Size Bags of Cool Ranch Doritos – MONSTER JAM
Toilet Paper Selection – MONSTER JAM
Jam to Crap Score: 8/8 – 100%
*Certified Crap Free*
685 Metropolitan Avenue
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 384-1180
GRAND SICHUAN INTERNATIONAL
Posted: May 10, 2011 | Author: DJ MONSTER JAM | Filed under: CHINESE FOOD, THE MONSTER JAM REPORT | Leave a comment »
The hot pot comes with two broths. One side is this pretty mild but flavorful chicken based broth, but the other side is SATAN’S NUCLEAR FLAMING HELL PIT OF ETERNAL FIRE AND SUFFERING. If you can’t handle spicy food then just stay the hell away.
Be prepared to put in some serious time on the crapper the next morning. You will definitely walk away with a bit of the ‘ol RING STING. OUCH!
If you’re lucky enough to be seated downstairs, there’s a futon mattress that anyone can just pass out on once you’ve eaten yourself into a food coma. Very Handy!!
Sliced Beef – MONSTER JAM
Bok Choy – MONSTER JAM
Clear Rice Noodles – Jam
Wheat Noodles – MONSTER JAM
Abelone Mushrooms – Crap!
Shitake Mushrooms – MONSTER JAM
Chinese Cabbage – Jam
Wontons – MONSTER JAM
Pork Dumplings – Jam
Peanut Sauce – Jam
Spicy Sauce – MONSTER JAM
Spicy Peanut Sauce Combo – MONSTER JAM
Jam To Crap Score: 19/24 – *79.1%*
125 Canal St
New York, NY 10002
(212) 625-9212
PETER PAN DONUTS
Posted: May 10, 2011 | Author: DJ MONSTER JAM | Filed under: DESSERT, GREENPOINT, THE MONSTER JAM REPORT | 1 Comment »
Let’s just call a spade a spade – this place is the HOLY GRAIL MOTHERFUCKER of all donut stores so you better FUCKIN RECOGNIZE! Everything these people make tastes like god is squirting pure heaven into your mouth. These people don’t understand how to make any SHITTY tasting food, so if you’re really craving something that’s SHITTY then you’ll have to go somewhere else because they won’t be able to help you. They only know how to make shit that tastes FUCKING AMAZING here, OK? You could walk into this place with a bag over your head and tell the person working there to “SURPRISE THE SHIT OUT OF ME”, and rest assured that whatever the fuck it is is going to TASTE GREAT!
My favorite shit here is the old-fashioned cake donuts and the boston creme. Like I said before (in case you weren’t listening) – EVERYTHING HERE RULES SO JUST FUCKING BUY SOMETHING AND STOP WHINING AND BITCHING ABOUT IT – DAMN!
Old Fashioned Donut – MONSTER JAM
Boston Creme Donut – MONSTER JAM
Whatever The Fuck Donut – MONSTER JAM MONSTER JAM MONSTER JAM…..
Coffee – Jam
Jam To Crap Score: 7/8 – *87.5%*
*CERTIFIED CRAP FREE*
727 Manhattan AveBrooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 389-3676
BAHN MI
Posted: May 10, 2011 | Author: DJ MONSTER JAM | Filed under: PHO, THE MONSTER JAM REPORT, WILLIAMSBURG | Leave a comment »
You wanna know what really FUCKIN RULZ HARD? I don’t care if you wanna know. I’m gonna tell you anyways. Like I was saying, FINALLY having a fuckin DECENT pho spot in the neighborhood really FUCKIN RULZ HARD, THAT’S WHAT. I don’t have to take the STUPID ASS SUBWAY to Chinatown every time I want a bowl of decent PHO – FUCK YES! SIGN ME UP, MOTHERFUCKER!
But let me get some shit straight here before we go any further with all of this. This place can be a bit up and down and all over the place with how they bring THEIR RUCKUS. Sometimes I’ll go in there and be like “OH FUCK FUCK FUCK YES!” and then other times I’ll be all “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!” If you’re gonna get pho make sure you eat it there because it FUCKIN SUCKS when you get it delivered. All the shit that goes in it needs to stew around to make it AWESOME. The lemongrass bahn mi sandwiches are pretty FUCKIN DOPE-ASS MONSTER JAMS all the time here. The spring rolls are whatever and the bubble tea is solid. This place has another location on Bedford but I recommend going to this one. The one on Bedford gives NASTY FUCKIN STALE BREAD sometimes.
Pho Classic – MONSTER JAM
Chicken Pho – Jam
Spring Rolls – Jam
Bubble Tea – MONSTER JAM
Lemongrass Bahn Mi Sandwich – MONSTER JAM
Jam To Crap Score: 8/10 – *80.0%
*CERTIFIED CRAP FREE*
580 Grand StBrooklyn, NY 11206
(718) 599-5015
