WHITMAN’S

LISTEN UP, I don’t live in BUMFUCK DUMBASS LET’S GO BURN A KORAN USA, I live in goddamn NEW YORK CITY.  That means that the LAST thing I want after a long day at my BULLSHIT job is a HORSE DICK sized EXPENSIVE MOTHERFUCKER of a burger that’s gonna ASS RAPE my paycheck and is so RETARDED big that I can’t even wrap my whole mouth around the stupid ass thing– FUCK THAT NOISE!  Who’s FUCKING ASS do I have to kick to get a CULINARY MASTERPIECE of a BURGER?!  I guess WHITMAN’S is up for the challenge!  BRING IT!

SHIT, don’t even get me started on the Juicy Lucy, it’s their SIGNATURE MOTHERFUCKER, and by signature, I mean I got my ASS TOSSED on the sidewalk by it. It’s like these people hired CHEECH AND CHONG to take a short rib sandwich and get all PREGNANT LADY STYLE on its AZZ with some pimento cheese and spicy pickles! (WHAT THE FUCK??!) And speaking of stoned pregnant ladies—THERE’S A BURGER WITH PEANUT BUTTER AND BACON!! ARE YOU FUCKING DEAF?! DO I NEED TO KEEP GOING??

I guess if you feel like PUSSY FOOTING on some non-burger action (then why the fuck did you come here??) then try the Succotash Made Rite. BUT, RED ALERT:  the chicken on greens is some menu filler BULLSHIT and they need to take it off the rotation cuz I AIN’T EVEN TRYIN’ TO HEAR THAT CRAP.  It’s the LONE SHITTER in the room.

Juicy Lucy: MONSTER JAM
PB and B Burger: MONSTER JAM
Upstate Burger: Jam
Revis: Jam
Succotash Made Rite: Jam
Chicken on Greens: Crap!
Cracked Kale: Jam

Jam To Crap Score: 8/14 – *57.1%*

406 E 9th St
New York, NY 10009
(212) 228-8011

Review by: D. SCOTT SPINNEY